Setting:
Olive Garden
Sunday, March 20th
Persian New Year


Angelo: Now, Azade, you’re a biology person, right?
Me: Biologist. They’re called biologists.
Angelo: Yeah, whatever. Now, is it true that, if you’re Asian, you have to get eye surgery every so often or else evolution takes its course and you can’t see?
Me: Are….are you serious?
Azade: What? Who told you that?
Angelo: (Points to my mother)
Mom: One of my coworkers is Asian and she gets surgery every so often.
Azade: That’s just her. Not every Asian is like that!
Mom: No.
Azade: Yes!

Angelo: How long does one have to wait for a natural disaster to be funny?
Me: No.

Mom: Ramen? That’s not food.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Do you think I can afford food?
Mom: You take food from home.
Me: Do you think that I have a magic freezer? Food just keeps appearing?
Mom: Then I’ll just come down every week and give you food.
Me: No, you won’t.
Mom: Why not?
Me: Because I’ll kill you.

Mom: I’m surprised you guys haven’t lost any fingers.

*Now, the context that follows is completely accurate, but doesn’t make that quote make any more sense.

Me: Excuse me?
Mom: Well, you guys used to suck on your fingers a lot. I’m surprised you haven’t sucked them off.
Me: You don’t have even the most basic grasp of biology, do you? Our fingers aren’t popsicles!