This Is Why I Smoke
So, I went back to San Jose this weekend. Yes, I have more quotes. This time, my little brother, Angelo, is more involved. I wish I made this shit up, but these conversations legitimately happen. Angelo: I didn’t appreciate you dropping your computer on me last night. Me: It was 3:30am and dark. I didn’t see you. Angelo: You didn’t see me under the blanket? Me: Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t expect somebody to be on the couch at 3 in the morning. Angelo: What if there was something breakable on the couch? Me: Like a Fabergé egg? Angelo: Like my glasses. Me: There’s a coffee table right there. Angelo: Well, I was on the couch. Me: You have a bed! Why weren’t you there?! Angelo: My heater broke. (Talking about a car) Mom: 1995? That’s like….2005….20 years old! Me: 15-16 years, mom. Mom: (stops and stares at me) Me: What? Did I do the math too well? Mom: Do you want milk? Angelo: No, I’m not playing your game again. Me: …what game?! Angelo: Last time she told me there was milk, I drank it and ate it; and it turned out to be bad. Me: Eating milk didn’t give that away? Mom: Just because it’s passed the expiration date doesn’t mean it’s bad. Me: Are we really that poor? Mom: That’s the one thing I thank your father for — encouraging me to enter into those cooking contests. Angelo: What about those cookies? Me: What cookies? Mom: (Angrily) I should’ve won that one! Your stupid father. Mom: So, do you have anybody to spend Valentine’s Day with? Me: Yeah, I have to split my time between two, why? Mom: Really? Who? Me: “Class work” and “Lab work”. Mom: laughter Me: I was being serious…. Mom: I want pancakes. Me: What do you want me to do about it? Mom: Get me pancakes. Mom: What are you writing in that notepad? Me: Just some notes, don’t worry about it. Mom: It’s okay if you keep a diary. A lot of people keep a diary. Me: Oh, trust me, it’s not a diary. It’s just some things that I have to remember for later. Mom: If you don’t want to call it a diary, you can always call it a journal. Me: Yeah, okay, Mother. I’ll call it just that.

So, I went back to San Jose this weekend. Yes, I have more quotes. This time, my little brother, Angelo, is more involved. I wish I made this shit up, but these conversations legitimately happen.


Angelo: I didn’t appreciate you dropping your computer on me last night.
Me: It was 3:30am and dark. I didn’t see you.
Angelo: You didn’t see me under the blanket?
Me: Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t expect somebody to be on the couch at 3 in the morning.
Angelo: What if there was something breakable on the couch?
Me: Like a Fabergé egg?
Angelo: Like my glasses.
Me: There’s a coffee table right there.
Angelo: Well, I was on the couch.
Me: You have a bed! Why weren’t you there?!
Angelo: My heater broke.


(Talking about a car)
Mom: 1995? That’s like….2005….20 years old!
Me: 15-16 years, mom.
Mom: (stops and stares at me)
Me: What? Did I do the math too well?


Mom: Do you want milk?
Angelo: No, I’m not playing your game again.
Me: …what game?!
Angelo: Last time she told me there was milk, I drank it and ate it; and it turned out to be bad.
Me: Eating milk didn’t give that away?
Mom: Just because it’s passed the expiration date doesn’t mean it’s bad.
Me: Are we really that poor?


Mom: That’s the one thing I thank your father for — encouraging me to enter into those cooking contests.
Angelo: What about those cookies?
Me: What cookies?
Mom: (Angrily) I should’ve won that one! Your stupid father.


Mom: So, do you have anybody to spend Valentine’s Day with?
Me: Yeah, I have to split my time between two, why?
Mom: Really? Who?
Me: “Class work” and “Lab work”.
Mom: laughter
Me: I was being serious….


Mom: I want pancakes.
Me: What do you want me to do about it?
Mom: Get me pancakes.


Mom: What are you writing in that notepad?
Me: Just some notes, don’t worry about it.
Mom: It’s okay if you keep a diary. A lot of people keep a diary.
Me: Oh, trust me, it’s not a diary. It’s just some things that I have to remember for later.
Mom: If you don’t want to call it a diary, you can always call it a journal.
Me: Yeah, okay, Mother. I’ll call it just that.

Posted 1 year ago