It’s winter break. Here are snippets from conversations and quotes from my mother. For reference, Azade is my sister and Angelo is my little brother.

Mom: This is my Christmas; don’t ruin it again, Alex.

Mom: Do whatever makes you happy. And being a physician will make you happy.

Mom: I want to send you guys to Costa Rica. Go next week.
Me: Why?
Mom: Because, I want to send you somewhere you’ll enjoy.
Me: Okay, then send me to Boise, Idaho.
Mom: Why Idaho?
Me: Because, it’ll be fun. I’ll enjoy it.
Mom: But you’ll freeze your nuts off. You’ll enjoy Costa Rica more.
Me: So I can be dragged around by your friend all day to see shit I don’t want to see?
Mom: No.
Me: Then send me to Boise.
Mom: (swallows pride) Okay.

Me: I think you have a gross misunderstanding of the English language.

1am
Mom: ALEX! GET TO BED!
Me (while in bed): I AM in bed.
Mom: No you’re not! Get to bed!
Me (sarcastically): Oh, shit. This isn’t my bed. Where am I?

Mom: Why don’t you believe in God?
Me: Because I’m 23.
Mom: What does that have to do with anything?
Me: I’m too old to have imaginary friends.

Mom: Why don’t you believe in God?
Me: Because I don’t believe he exists.
Mom: Well, prove that he doesn’t.
Me: First, I believe there’s a teapot orbiting behind the Moon. Prove that there isn’t.
Mom: Well, it doesn’t matter to me if there is.
Me: And it doesn’t matter to me that you believe in an imaginary thing, either.

Mom: How many children do you want?
Me: 16.
Mom: I’m trying to have a serious and nice conversation.
Me: And I want my wife to have two litters of children.
Mom: If you’re not going to be serious, then shut up.
Me: I’m 22! I don’t even have a girlfriend! I’m not out of college! Why would I want to think about children!?
Mom: I’m just trying to have a conversation with you.
Me: Fine, I don’t really want my wife to have 16 children.
Mom: Then how many do you want?
Me: Oh, I want 16. I just expect her to have some before we get married.
Mom: Death glare

Mom: Azade’s in Japan? Here, tell her to contact my friend there.
Me: Okay, what’s her info?
Mom: Here.
Me: Okay, how did you two meet? When? How old is she?
Mom: We met in the airport in Hawaii a year or two ago. She’s about Azade’s age.
Angelo: That lady that never replied to the e-mails?
Mom: She replied to one of them.
Me: Wait, what e-mails?
Angelo: She replied to one, but the next three she ignored.
Me: What’s going on here?
Mom: Maybe she didn’t get them.
Angelo: That doesn’t seem right.
Me: There were e-mails? What’s going on?
Mom: I told her my kids would contact her, so Angelo e-mailed her.
Me: Oh, so some random person decided it would be a grand idea that her kids contact another random person?
Mom: She knows who we are. Now, tell her Azade’s coming to visit.
Me: But what if Azade is nowhere near her?
Mom: How big do you think Japan is?
Me: Larger than you think, apparently. It’s like saying “Oh, I’m in the US. Come visit me. Oh, you’re in California? I’m in Iowa.”
Mom: Just send Azade her info.
Me: What’s that symbol here?
Mom: That’s a smiley face.
Me: It’s in front of the phone number.
Mom: It’s a smiley face.
Me: I think it’s the area code.
Mom: Whatever.

(Nurse commercial playing)
Me: Maybe I should be a nurse.
Mom: You’re just trying to break my nuts, aren’t you?
Me: Excuse me?
Mom: You heard me.



Expect more next week.