Lauren is my older brother’s fiancée. She grew up in Louisiana and hasn’t visit outside much. One time, at a sushi restaurant, she asked for brown gravy. Yes, like you put on meat. She had apparently done this before. Who knew? Needless to say, I don’t care for her much. I’m only okay with this engagement because my older brother, Jeremiah, is happy.


Lauren’s mother doesn’t like anybody touching her bread.
“She even got to the point of scanning it herself.”
Me: “That’s funny. Earlier today, I was looking for the definition of neurotic.”


Lauren: “We tried breaking his computer. We even threw it on the ground.”
Me: “Cause you’re not part of the system?”
Lauren: “…”
Me: “Nevermind.”


Brother: What is taking these people so long?
Lauren: Cause they’re ignorant!
Me: Maybe they don’t want to hit the people crossing the street?
Both: “…”
Me: Or not…?
Brother: Then why don’t they all cross at once?
Lauren: CAUSE THEY’RE IGNORANT!


Jeremiah fake proposing with a small bracelet won at an arcade.
Lauren: This is gay.
Me: Really? This?
Lauren: Jeremiah, this is really gay. Stop.
Me: He’s proposing to you, a woman. How is this a homosexual act?


Lauren doesn’t eat leftovers
Me: Some food is better as leftovers.
Lauren: Yeah, like sushi.
Me: …or pizza………..Wait, you got on to Jeremiah for eating fried chicken that was in a car overnight when it was super cold last night, but you’re willing to eat one day old raw fish?
Lauren: I don’t eat raw fish.
Me: I…what?
Lauren: I don’t eat raw fish.
Me: That’s what sushi is!
Jeremiah: She eats the cooked kind.
Lauren: I only eat fake sushi.
Me: I…sigh


Lauren (to Jeremiah): You shouldn’t get an Acura, again. This last round has been disappointing.
Jeremiah: Yeah, I know. That’s why I was thinking of getting a Lexus.
Lauren: You don’t need no top-of-the-line shit. You could get a quality car cheap. Like a Hyundai or a Chevrolet.
Me: Because when I think “quality”, I think “Chevrolet”.
Lauren: Well, maybe not Chevrolet…
Me: No, no. Chevy will give you more bang for your buck. And by “bang”, I mean “engine backfire”. And how is a Chevy or Hyundai better than a Honda?
Lauren: I ain’t never said nothing about no Honda.
Me: Acura and Honda are the same!


Lauren: I’m going to tell my mom that you think this is going too fast! I never made it go too fast
Jeremiah: I’m not telling you it’s moving too fast.
Lauren: You thought the wedding was this November!
Jeremiah: You said that’s when you wanted it!
Lauren: I never said that! I’m not moving too fast!
Me: Didn’t you already buy your wedding dress?
Lauren: Yeah, so? It was on sale.
Me: because wedding dresses never go on sale. And people’s body don’t change within two years…


Jeremiah: The drunker I am, the less veil you need.
Lauren: The wedding comes before the reception.
Jeremiah: I never said anything about the reception.


Lauren: When we get a house, get a fucking basement.
Jeremiah: Uh-
Me: Just don’t say anything. Just don’t. *turn to Lauren Basement. Sounds like a great idea!
(In Louisiana, the land is so close to the water table, that NO house has a basement. She’s lived in Louisiana all of her life, and visiting us for the first time a few years ago in CA was the first time she ever left Louisiana.)


Mia is my brother’s and Lauren’s dog. My brother was tossing Mia up in the air, playing with her.
Lauren: Don’t toss my dogs in the air. Mia will never be able to have babies.
Me: Why not…?
Jeremiah: Because apparently it’ll mess up her insides.
Me: stares at them for no less than 15 seconds ….what?


As my brother and I are trying to put my mom’s laptop back together.
Lauren: How many half-Iranians does it take to put a computer back together?
Me: Probably two. How many white girls does it take? Because we can figure that out now.
Lauren: Nah, I don’t know any of that. I’m not even going to try.
Me: Yeah, that’s what I thought.


Lauren: Does New York have amusement parks?
Jeremiah: Yeah. The subway system.
Lauren: Yeah, whatever.
Me: Do I have to be the one to say it? Coney Island.

PS - Fuck editing for formatting this time. I’m tired.